Mid-Season Rankings: A Visual Basis

In this series of posts I'll be evaluating the top prospects at the mid-point of the season, basing my analysis on a stat starting to gain some traction amongst all the saber nerds: Google Image search results. It's about what it sounds like. I've selected a variety of up and coming prospects, and based any analysis of their skill and ability on a quick Google image search of their name.  I'll be publishing them two players at a time over the next several posts until I get to 10 or 20 or until I get tired of doing it.

Remember when reading this, my logic is infallible because I have ingested a special tea made from Peter Gammons's hair and Joe Buck's dinner leftovers from the meal he ate before game 2 of the 2012 World Series. After drinking this tea I shook Keith Law's hand and in doing so was able to consume his soul. So this shit is pretty much dead on.

Let's get started.

1. Francisco Lindor

Where to start with this uber prospect. First off, his name is Francisco, and if I learned anything from Buddy the Elf, it's that Francisco is a fun name to say. My first impression is that he appears to be about 14 in this photo. Youth. His must be eternal, indicating he will play for possibly 30 or 40 years in the bigs. Snagging him any round after 30 ensures you've locked down massive talent at the shortstop position until you're ready to send your children to college, and when you're moving your kid into his dorm room in 2030, you'll be able to brag to random college kids who probably don't play fantasy sports anymore that you got in on Lindor on the ground floor. If you're lucky enough to be a single dad, a line like that with the ladies is pretty much a one way ticket to the bone zone.

The photo is also taken in front of a bunch of trophy cases which is a strong indicator of future success. That or the fact that he's holding a bat like he's ready to swing it indoors means he's about to smash all those trophy cases which is an indicator of absolute power and authority. Any way you look at it, this kid has success written all over him.

His high school mascot appears to be an eagle. Mine was also an eagle. This is an obvious indicator that he's a leader, a winner, and an all around great guy to hang out with.  Add that to the fact that he appears to have a team USA jersey on and it puts everything over the top. Team USA jersey? A giant eagle painted on the wall in the background? All American home grown talent. USA! USA!

Also, he's currently batting .304 with 18 stolen bases, if you're the kind of person who is into actual stats. I guess those are pretty good. Plus the most recent article about him on fangraphs is titled "Francisco Lindor, Simply Elite".

The only thing this kid has going against him as that he's in the Indians farm system, and if you don't hate the Cleveland Indians, it's never too late to start. I find the primary basis for my hatred rooted deeply in the sound of that stupid drum I'm forced to listen to on the radio broadcasts whenever my team has the misfortune of playing in Cleveland. After the third inning you find yourself trying to figure out how to call in an air strike on the outfield seats of Jacobs field (or whatever the hell they're calling it now. Might I suggest the Sherwin Williams River Fire Trash Box).

In Summary, Francisco is a fun name to say, Eternal Youth, Trophy cases, Eagles, USA, simply elite.  Add all that up and you come up with awesome which equals a top tier prospect in my book.










2. Nick Castellanos

I had to use two photos here because I felt they both conveyed some basic fundamentals that are going to help young Nick Castellanos blossom into the perennial superstar he's destined to be.

Starting with photo one from last years futures game. Nick has already, at the tender age of 21, mastered one of the most fundamental parts of a superstars game: The two handed finger point toward the dugout. Everyone knows if you're going to be a pure hitter and offensive force in major league baseball you have to master the two handed finger point. In comparison, fellow Detroit Tiger Miguel Cabrera didn't hone his two handed finger point until sometime late in 2011. We all know what happened in 2012. Triple God damned Crown. Now, I'm not saying this skill means Castellanos is going to win a triple crown. I'm saying he's going to win at least 5.

In the second photo we see he's also mastered another basic skill only possessed by those currently enshrined in or bound for the hall of fame. It's the "I know I'm a pretty big deal while I hold my equipment" stare. I once found myself at a 24 hour all you can eat buffet seated in the booth directly next to Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan. I gleaned two valuable pieces of information from that encounter. One, McCarver can destroy crab legs. Two, Albert Pujols was a borderline talent until Tony LaRussa taught him the stare.

The third thing that I can share with you also comes from the second photo. From the way Nick is holding his bat it appears as though he may be stretching, and mastering the proper skills for stretching is important at any age.

For Castellanos to have these three crucial skills so finely honed at such a young age means nothing but success for him as a Major leaguer. I'm talking .340 with 70 home runs a season. Take it to the bank friends. This kid is a top tier prospect.

Manbearpuig or Who is the Best Prospect This Year and Possibly of All Time Who is Not Currently On My Fantasy Roster

Imagine if you will that somewhere in the far reaches of the universe Superman and Zeus ejaculated, in unison, on a unicorn horn. That unicorn horn is then pounded into a fine powder by Thor's hammer and the powder is transferred via Pegasus to the Goddess Athena. Athena uses the powder to inseminate herself. Within minutes a child is born. A fully formed man child. He is delivered to earth on the Millennium Falcon where Obi Wan Kenobi discovers that this gifted man child, wonder of the gods, has the highest medi-chlorian count in the history of time. This man child is dropped deep in the jungles of Central America. After honing his abilities, having many civilizations form around him, worship him, and then perish over hundreds of years, and fighting both Predator and Alien and winning, this immortal man-god-beast finds his way to Cuba, learns the game of baseball, and is signed by the Los Angeles Dodgers. This thunder god is Yasiel Puig.

Manbearpuig is hands down the best prospect to burst onto the major league scene this year. He puts up amazing stats. He leads the league in most times feared by Chuck Norris and times Bo Jackson has cried himself to sleep in a combination of fear and awe thinking of him. Two highly important, but vastly underrated categories, and frankly if you aren't into advanced sabermetrics, you've probably never even heard of them, but you know who has?  Bill James, and he knows everything.

His only flaw is that he is not currently on my fantasy roster. That's a pretty big negative, and I'm not sure he'll overcome it. Unless of course his current owner will come to his senses and see that Brandon Morrow is a fair straight up trade. Then and only then will Puig realize his true potential. Until then, he's just another prospect, called up, making his mark on the league and falling in somewhere behind the two rookies on my roster who, together, are just clearing the Mendoza line.