An Examination of the 100% Guaranteed Greatness of Josh Bell

Have you ever purchased a powerball ticket and felt like that particular ticket was going to be THE one. Like that ticket was a guaranteed winner? That's kind of what owning Josh Bell in a keeper league feels like. Knowing in two years your super special High-A powerball ticket, also known as "El Hombre Nuclear", is going to pay major dividends. There's no chance to be had here. He's a lotto ticket with a gauranteed payout. He's a stone cold lock to rake at the major league level. Let me tell you why.

First, some history. Bell was all set to go play college baseball deep in the heart of Texas for the Texas Longhorns. Set enough that he informed teams not to draft him because he wouldn't sign. Enter the Pittsburgh Pirates. Knowing that money talks and bull(or longhorn, if you will)shit walks. They drafted young Joshua in the 2nd round of the 2011 draft and then threw 5 million dollars in his general direction. Josh Bell, facing the possibility of playing baseball with a mountain of cash in his bank account, or playing baseball without said cash, made the smart choice.

Suck it Horns

Bell was an almost immaculately constructed machine. I say almost because early in his 2012 season his body discovered it's only weakness, the meniscus in his left knee. In the form of a true champion, his body attacked the weakness, eliminated the weakness, and rebuilt itself four times stronger than it's previous condition.

Now that he has finally achieved his final form, Josh Bell has gotten down to handling his business. He currently holds a .335 average with a .904 OPS and 9 home runs over 70 games. Recently he's picked things up a tick hitting .485 with 3 home runs and an OPS of 1.1368 over his last ten games. Looks like Josh is rounding into form, folks. The kid can hit, does hit, and will hit. His hit tool is so great even his uniform says POWER.

I'm here to crush balls

That's all well and good, you say, but this is just high-a and he's only 21. How does any of this project to major league levels? Well, he's got the things that make great hitters. 

He hits both right handed and left handed pitching well, and he generally induces uncontrollable pants-shitting from opposing pitchers.

He walks more than Bruce Banner at the end of every episode of Incredible Hulk.

And to top it off he strikes out so rarely, his teammates jokingly refer to him as Leon Phelps.

This kid is so scary-good, I couldn't even get baseball's notable pundits to go on the record. They're afraid of his talent. They believe he was possibly born on the far side of the moon and traveled to earth by physically thrusting himself off the moons surface and through it's gravitational field, causing him to hurtle toward Earth. He did not burn up on entry, it made him stronger. He slid, with perfect form, into his mother's arms, and was raised as one of us. Don't think that's scientifically possible? Well, let's get the opinion of astrophysicist  Neil Degrasse Tyson.

I was told by a janitor at ESPN that Peter Gammons goes into euphoria enduced seizures any time this kids name graces his ears.

Not well known, but legitimate outlets such as rumbunter aren't afraid to sing his praises. They understate his greatness and importance, but they get it, and aren't afraid to preach.

He's a 21 year-old man child, and he's coming to your town. He will destroy your baseballs, charm your women, and if he weren't so nice, he'd eat your children. He's a hitting machine. A one man wrecking crew. He will be the first player in major league history to induce other teams to outright forfeit games. He's Josh Bell, "El Hombre Nuclear."